Athlebrity News: Jessica Simpson is a 'Smart Choice'???

Jessica Simpson is a she-devil. A ditsy, fame hungry she devil; that is a terrible representative of the female gender. Fortunately this is all negated as she is also a pox on the Dallas Cowboys house; so she's okay by me as long as she remains with Tony Romo.

Jessica has been trying to rebuild her career, it's a shame she has to start from the ground up again. But it's also a shame she as relatively ZERO talent, but I digress. Anyway, when you start or in this case re-start a celebrity career your often forced to do some pretty embarrassing gigs and product endorsements. Jessica has been all over state fair stages and giving free concerts at baseball stadiums all summer long. She is now also a spokesman for vitamin enhanced beer, yes you heard me right; they are now making beer enhanced with vitamins. So the diet of Americans is so poor its come to this?

Jessica said about the beer endorsement to the Dallas Morning News: "As an entrepreneur, I am always looking for ways to diversify my portfolio with good ideas and good people,"

The beer is Stampede Light Plus, and Simpson has a stake in 15% of the entire brewing company. The beer is being marketed as a 'Smart Choice', and obviously embodied by Simpson herself. Thank G*d I can now drink this stuff and finally be just as smart as her!

"Jessica Simpson Drinks Beer to Make Her Smart, Which Explains a Lot" [Heckler Spray]

"Jessica Simpson: Beer Spokesmodel" [TheHollywoodGossip]

Simpson also had a lively radio interview where, Lord Help us, she opened her mouth to speak words. Among the highlights; getting the claws out regarding Carrie Underwood's magazine comments that Tony Romo still calls her, and confessing to farting in bed with Tony. What a classy broad.

"Jessica Vs. Carrie -- It's On!" [SI Extra Mustard]

"Jessica Simpson Gives Tony Romo Dutch Ovens?" [You Been Blinded]

Be Brave: Girls Guide to Fantasy Football

Although it is PERFECTLY understandable that there are girls out there that do NOT like how competitive, chauvinistic, and downright archaic men get when talking/watching/playing sports. And since most of the men in our lives will never be apart of professional sports in any capacity other than a spectator and fan, fantasy sports are as close as they will ever get. It's natural that because of this, maybe you would think or already do hate fantasy sports; in particular Fantasy Football.

I am here to tell you the truth. For as long as you have a man, you will be forced to share him with fantasy football. This is a battle you will never win. There is hope however if you are ready to surrender to this truth, YOU can join in. Yes, YOU can be apart of fantasy football. You can play it, you can even be GOOD at it, and this may shock you...but you can even learn to ENJOY it.

"Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better; a Girl's Guide to Guy Stuff" - Fantasy Football Section- [Google Books]

For those girls like me out there who already adore football, this is not a difficult prospect to digest. But for those who need some coaxing, guidance, direction, and resources; let me break this down for you.

The most fundamental preparatory step for those interested in engaging in fantasy football, is to LEARN the game of football. If you have a good grasp of the game, it is essentially ALL YOU NEED to play. The most important aspects for fantasy is to have a good sense of what the roles of the various positions are, and what makes an efficient/ productive/ outstanding player. This will allow you to be able to adequately research players and interpret their statistics in order to select the best possible players to your team.

"Football For Girls" [Michele Hriciso]

"Football for females: A gridiron guide for girls" [Her Magazine]

"Football 101" [Jessica Hardwick]

The point of fantasy football is to draft a team of players ( all positions) and back ups ( from all different teams) that will be consistent and efficient. Basis for this is a combination of both scoring game points and racking up individual statistics such as yards, sacks etc. that happen during the REAL games. Thus when you watch football, you have a new sense of attachment and knowledge of teams and players that you would not have being a biased fan.

"The Mental Defective's Guide to Fantasy Football" [Blog Critics Sports]

Your fantasy team plays against other teams ( ie other friends in an online group). The points your players earn in any capacity go towards your weekend total of points, the aim of the game is to have more points ( more successful and productive players on your team) than your friends or co-workers you are competing against.

You select multiple players for a single position to be able to substitute players when they are on by weeks, should the get injured; any reason that would cause them to stay off the field on a Sunday and thus NOT earn any points for your team. This requires you to stay slightly updated during the week as to the schedule of games, how your players are doing in practice during the week etc. etc.

Note- you do not have to pick your team and players SOLELY on statistics and research alone. This of this as you would an NCAA tournament draft; rarely do the paper predictions come to fruition. Things such as name recognition, teams you like, attractive players ( hell a player that has the same name as your dog may be a compelling pick to your squad!) are all legit. The BIG names ( the big players) in your early rounds, so it is most likely that you will be forced to choose a lot of players you are unfamiliar with, thus any strategy can theoretically be employed in the selection process.

"FEEL THE EXCITEMENT! The Balls Deep 2008 Fantasy Football Preview!" [Deadspin]

Now here are some of the BEST resources for learning the game, selecting players, acquiring helpful tidbits and insider info you may need to select a team. YouTube also provides great visual tutorials to help anyone navigate a fantasy web site and perform the basic operations in addition to help those who want to manage a team of individuals. FemaleFantasyFootball is an overall great resource, and a great blog IMO.

Get out there, Give it a go! Enjoy Fantasy Football.

"TOP 10 FANTASY FOOTBALL LIVE DRAFT INTIMIDATION TACTICS" [Epic Carnival]

"5 Fantasy Football Draft Personalities" [Banned in Hollywood]

"Your 2008 KSK Fantasy Football Team Naming Guide" [KSK]

"Overrated Fantasy Football Players: 'The Troy Aikman Theory'" [YardBreaker]

"TOP 10 PLAYERS IN FANTASY FOOTBALL THAT WILL GIVE YOU AN ULCER" [Epic Carnival]

"Fantasy Football Draft Sleepers" [NFL Draft Site]

"Fantasy Guide to Quarterbacks" [Supreme Sports Justice]

"Fantasy Guide Running Back Advice" [Supreme Sports Justice]

2008 Beijing Olympics: My own closing ceremonies, see you in 2012

Im going to try to wrap up these Olympic blog-link posts; with the US Open, NCAA Football, NFL Football and Fantasy Football ( did I mention I enjoy football???) upon us it's best we begin the process of forgetting everything that happened in these two weeks, for another four years.
Last hoorah for America, Men's Basketball 'redeem team' goes for gold tonight live. Get your coffee pots ready.

In a related topic, Your brilliance astounds me, NBC.

How can NBC continue the record ratings after the Olympics have wrapped? two words, Bela Karyoli

Why is men's basketball a great way to end the games? after these two weeks, America NEEDS something to cheer about.

Just don't even start with this shit, I swear. You've ruined my Michael Phelps memories with the exhaustion of media coverage...don't even go down this road with Usain Bolt.

IOC President Jacques Rogge cannot make this Chinese gymnast inquisition go away no matter how hard he tries.

No matter how hard WE try, we cannot make Jacques Rogge go away.

David Beckham will be the face of the closing ceremonies as the torch in passed to London for the 2012 games. Oh yeah, Michael Phelps will also be on hand in the UK, what did he win again?

Oh and finally, Thanks for NOTHING China.

Cracking open the bubbly (and soft-core porn of Rafa Nadal) early!

Monday marks the beginning of the end of summer, and one of the most exciting two weeks of the season. I speak not of the Olympics nor the Democratic National Convention ( O!-BAM !-A!) but of the big finale of tennis majors this season, the US Open. Something about the idea of loud, obnoxious, and un-cultured New Yorkers descending upon the civilized and sophisticated sport of tennis just makes me giddy. It also could be from inhaling to much air in Queens.

I will bore you with details below, but all you need to know about the US Open Men's draw is Rafa Nadal, who was featured in a NY Magazine spread this week (arribah, arribah!)

Rafa Nadal now reigns as the #1 ranked player in the world following Rodger Federer's loss to James Blake in the Olympics. Federer previously helped the ranking for 16o consecutive weeks, Nadal went on to win gold in the Olympic tournaments. Nadal has already taken down Federer impressively already in the finals of the French Open and Wimbledon; Federer considered to be in a slump without a major win this year. Basically, this entire year has pretty much been ALL NADAL ALL THE TIME.

Nadal will be ranked #1 in the US Open draw for the first time in his career; top-a seed status Federer will relinquish for the first time since January 2004. However Federer will come to Flushing as a previous 4 time Open champ. Both will go unchallenged until the quarter and semifinals, where Federer is prophesied to take on world #3 and Serbian Seductor of Sexy Olympians, Novak Djokovic; while Nadal could potentially struggle against Argentina's David Nalbandian.

But I kid when I speak of Nadal and 'struggle' in the same sentence. If I was a betting woman, and I am; I would take the Spaniard in the capri pants. Plus, he certainly looks, well...strong enough to win it all!

Important note, after bailing on the Olympics in effort to rehab a right shoulder injury and propose to an SI Swimsuit model; Andy Roddick will grace us with his presence. He will enter the draw in the number 8 spot and fellow American ( who did a bang up job beating Federer on the hard courts of Beijing) James Blake is seeded 9th in the draw.

"Beefcake in the Backcourt" [NY Magazine]

"Nadal, Federer set to duke it out at US Open" [AFP]

Blogorama: Olymporama

This weeks insanity is...Usain Bolt.

"Scoot over, Michael Phelps. And pipe down, IOC."

The IOC scorns Usain Bolts celebrations inappropriate, forgets to scorn China as a country for overall inappropriateness.

IOC President Jacques Rogge = Public Enemy #1

The IOC is rigged, example 5,432,567. The Chinese Gymnast is 16? bullshit. Christie Rampone's toddler looks older than half the Chinese gymnastics team standing on the podium.

Can Usain Bolt catch a football? could lightning strike the gridiron?

This weeks hotness? dancin'

Also in this week's hotness, US Women's Soccer takes gold.

This Olympics hotness? Ryan Lochte, done and done.

Oh yeah, Bela Karyoli finished just under Lochte, he's pretty freakin' fun, Costas sure seems to think so.

This week's not-ness? Nike. and The US soccer team's scary tats.

This week's not-ness cont'd? US Softball LOSES gold.

Olympic not-ness? Tiki Barber........ Obviously, Tiki Barber.

PhelpsFest2008: Michael Phelps gets up on Olympic podiums, gets down with Aussie swimming gold winner Stephanie Rice!

Michael Phelps and Stephanie Rice both won multiple swimming golds in these Olympics, so naturally the only way to truly properly celebrate is to make out in public. Prior too these games the two had never previously officially. Stephanie however made a splash before even taking a dip in the Beijing pool with her sexy FHM spreads. Odds on this new bi-coastal relationship working out? Odds one of them was completely blacked out when it happened? .....yeah but what do I know, I'm just jealous obviously.

"Michael Phelps & Stephanie Rice, Sitting In A Tree" [SportsByBrooks]

Phelps headlines are getting harder to come by ( did I not say this?), only his love life seems to be worth any interest anymore.

"WITHOUT CNN, WE WOULD NEVER KNOW WHEN MICHAEL PHELPS WAS BEING INSULTED" [Epic Carnival]

"Michael Phelps Is a Dick" [All Balls]

"Bloggers attempt to match Phelps' appetite: Eat 12,000 calories" [Yardbreaker]

"While His Son Won 8 Golds, Michael Phelps' Father Watched From Home" [Fanhouse]

NFL Update: The Hairy Face of the Franchise

I left you last night with a surprising statistic regarding Kyle Orton's success on the field versus the San Fran 49'ers. The surprising statistic was that Kyle Orton was successful on the field. What can account for this is anyones guess: newlywed bliss, a new hedge trimmer for his face, signing an endorsement deal with Jack Daniel's, it will probably remain a mystery.

Orton completed 10-of-17 passes for 147 yards, and even put two passes in the end zone in an almost athletic fashion. The kicker is that Orton was moving around the field in a slightly more coordinated drunken stumble, showing us that maybe he cut down on his evenings ending in blackouts from 7 nights to...probably 6. He had much less of that whiskey bloat he has become so beloved for...leading me to believe that perhaps he has engaged in some exercise, but I cannot confirm.

It needs to be said that Kyle Orton has given us hope that perhaps the NFC North is NOT a place where quarterbacks go to die...they grasp to the last strings of life like a baby bird who has broken a wing. Bravo senor Orton.

"Bears’ Orton Actually Played Well - No, Seriously" [SportsByBrooks]

"Orton Shines Like a Single Malt Whiskey" [NFL Juice]

NFL Update: An Opening Night worthy of being the Beginning of the End

Tonight officially feels like football season. Kyle Orton will take the field in a preseason game tonight versus the 49ers as the newly crowned king of Chi-town. (Lord Help Us) But some old friends, Fox lead football broadcasting crew of Joe Buck and Troy Aikman will be calling the game. Feels like old times!

In honor of all things Kyle Orton ( although he is NOT included in this spectacular photoshop) "The Ultimate Shitty Quarterback" [Holy Taco]

We have documented on this site previously that Tom Brady hates the media. Which is funny, because Tom Brady would be nothing without the media- who does nothing but kiss his ass on a regular basis ( I'm talking about YOU, CBS). But because the media is a bunch of 7th grade school girls when it comes to Brady, he is allowed to throw tantrums, scream about how much he hates them, and walk all over them. They still come back for more. Tom Brady, like the entire Patriots franchise, and citizens of New England in general: is an uptight prick. I digress.

Tom Brady's latest crusade was a criticism on behalf of Patriots QB and professional clipboard holder, Matt Cassel. During Cassel's play in a preseason game last night versus the Bucs, NFL Network analysts Sterling Sharpe and Marshall Faulk were somewhat critical. But no body insults Tom Brady's personal water boy:

“I see Matt every day in practice and the improvement he makes. I love what I see in Matt. I have a lot of confidence in Matt . . . for the three guys sitting in the booth, I thought it was unfair to criticize the way they were criticizing, because I don’t think they really knew what was happening.”

Anyway, this has little true importance or significance as far as the Patriots upcoming season. Matt Cassel will never see the field if Brady is around. Even injured, Brady is too proud NOT to play. Just another sour member of the New England Patriots.

[Ladies...] does a GREAT Brady Quinn blog. My only qualm is where are the tights???

Like Jerry Jones, beloved wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys Terrell Owens also believes that Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson's relationship can only help 'America's Team' "flip the switch" to excel this season.

"Once the pre-season is over, I think it’s almost like another switch is turned off and another one is turned on. We can’t really gauge by how the season may go just by the way the pre-season goes."

Terrell, I'm almost scared that I agree with you that nothing can be gauged by preseason play. However, this 'switch' in which you speak of, is this to start up my popcorn machine???

Speaking of the Dallas Cowboys and popcorn, HBO's Hard Knocks Continues! This past episode features large prick of a sports journalist Peter King and the man himself Jerry Jones binging out on popcorn. Is Jerry a genius who discovered the only way to silence Peter King? Or is King just showing off his large orifice and it's talents that he employs to satisfy Bretty Boo Boo Favre? "The Double-J And Peter King Share Some Hot Buttered Love" [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

8:46pm Kyle Orton is 2/4 with 26 yards and 1 TD, long live the neck beard wonder!

PhelpsFest 2008: Douchebag Chronicles

Michael Phelps may be a douche, but he is probably still better than you.

Is he a douche because he cannot dress himself?

Seriously Michael, let your mom dress you, please.

Maybe it his rather large ego, like larger than his 7 foot wingspan ego.

Michael Phelps next character inspiration for a Law and Order SUV episode?

ESPN Assistants say, painfully unfunny, awkward.

Ghosts of Wayne Fontes says, boring.

Consensus that there is one person who Far surpasses Phelps in the douchebag race, Mark Spitz.

Will those endorsements drop? Part I

Will those endorsements drop? Part II

Other potential career moves for Phelps.

Don't worry Michael, there is ALWAYS Pizza Hut.

Blogorama: Olympic Headlines and Linkage featuring tons of Tiki Barber (Sorry in advance)

Note to Tiki Barber; I'm pretty sure that you are NOT allowed to call anyone a C**t during your nationally televised NBC Olympic program. I could very well be wrong.

Tiki Barber is an embarrassment to sports journalism. Part 3, 345, 986.

Support ESPN to bid out for the 2014 Olympics. If nothing else, you will be supporting the cause to get Tiki off the air.

How to count and weigh who is winning in the Olympic medal counts? However you want, as long as it always favors America. Am I right?

Speaking of stealing away USA gold medals, China's gymnasts finally under IOC investigation.

US Women's Soccer, upsets World Cup Champions Brazil. Golden.

US gold medalist as of last night, Misty May Treanor, and US men's basketball's Jason Kidd = BFF's.

Horses and equestrian riders = not BFF's

Olympic men's track and field participants, and the gay community = not BFF's

US Gymnast Shawn Johnson will NOT earn as much in endorsements as Michael Phelps. Obviously. What does this journalist not understand about the fact 1 gold medal and 3 silver medals = NOT EIGHT GOLD MEDALS.

Nastia Luikin doesn't want any endorsements, she just wants to become and actress/model, also feels comfortable around the ATM machine. Can she read women's minds too???

PhelpsFest 2008: Douchebag Chronicles

In a surprising but not out of the question 180 degree twist, Michael Phelps is now walking with a target on his back; and people are not afraid to fire away. The dirt is coming up through the floor on Phelps, and why I'm a little surprised that we are resorting to damaging the' golden boy' we thought of as the second coming just a few days ago- Our habit of loving to tear the rich and famous down is truly American and in our blood!

Accusations of Phelps being an absolute asshole are running wild. shocking that a famous, successful, young, and rich athlete would be slightly egotistical if you ask me! Most situations involved a bar or party of some sort- because alcohol has never led to embarrassing or hairy situations for professional athletes....Also ( slightly disappointing on a serious note.) many of these stories involve young women feeling slightly uncomfortable and intimidated by sexual advances made by Phelps.

To see the Original Commetntor Post, link here : "How Will 8 Gold Medals Help Michael Phelps' Prodigious Coozing?" [Deadspin]

Sports-Pun at 06:33 PM Connectedness Index:

"I attended James Madison University. During the 2006-07 swimming season, I was a bouncer in a bar on Franklin Street called The 'Rock, which sadly no longer exists. This particular evening the Duke Dogs had lost at home to Michael Phelps and Michigan. After the game, JMU swimmer and dorky german Serge Swikker made an appearance at the bar. After a few quick drinks, Swikker and friends left due the amount of jeers and rebukes. On his way out, some Duke Dog fans pelted him with balled-up bar napkins.

Shortly after he leaves, in rolls Michael Phelps with some nondescript non-swimmer. Instantly the bar starts buzzing, as Phelps was dominating the Big Ten and NCAA at this point, a clear Olympic favorite. The very same dickhead frat boy JMU students that were harassing Serge immediately fall all over themselves to kiss his ass and buy him drinks. Michael takes it all in stride, happily obliging the sycophants, all dudes. I was working the door, and it wasn't that crowded (slow tues or wed night) so I just stayed at my post, happily zoned out. About an hour later a girl (hot petite blond sorority type; at JMU, they are a dime a dozen) in a panic and tells me someone is molesting her friend at a corner table. As the only bouncer, it is my job to keep order, and I was always quick to eject anyone I heard using racial slurs, homophobes, or harassing women.
(Full disclosure: I am six-foot, 220, an avid martial artist and enjoyed opening the door with people's faces when they had it coming.)

I round the corner to see Michael Phelps forcibly holding a girl around the waist with one arm to sit on his lap and is wiggling her around like a grinding lap-dance motion. She is yelling, "stop it, let go of me," and he is using his other hand to clasp her shoulder and grope her breasts. Now, keep in mind, there are like 4-5 JMU frat type guys AT THE TABLE watching him do this, and not saying shit, some even laughing (cuz apparently date rape is funny), because these were the very same fuckheads who were kissing Phelps' ass, asking him where he wanted to swim professionally and buying him drinks when he got there. Michael Phelps' back is to me, so I tap him on the shoulder and calmly and quietly tell him to let go of her. He tells me to fuck off, without even turning around.

So I say sternly but calmly something along the lines of, "Well, you are going have to let go of her and get out because you are not welcome here anymore." (I always started things assertive but mellow and zen-like, so as to avoid inflaming drunken macho reactions. If you can control things by keeping calm, things go easier in these situations.) So he lets go, she darts up and runs to the ladies room, he stands up slowly and turns to face me. Now, I am not scared of too many people, but the fact remains: He is way taller, faster, stronger; in every way he will totally dominate me. Martial arts training aside, if I can't take him down fast, like by sweeping his leg and hopefully breaking a knee, I am fucked, because he could've picked me up by my ankles and swung me around like a club against the closest wall.

He looks down at me with total contempt and says, "Fuck off before I kick your ass. Don't you know who I am?" Now, inside I am crapping my pants, but fighting is all about controlling your fear, so on the outside I am (or am trying to be) John Wayne, Clint Eastwood and Bruce Lee all rolled into one. I look him dead in the eye (as best I am able given the height difference) and say, word for word (I will never forget, and I still don't know where I came up with this): "Look MICHAEL, you ain't in the Olympics yet. Now if you don't get the fuck out of here right now I am gonna call ESPN, Sports Illustrated, and Bob Costas as soon as I get done breaking your knee and ruining your fucking career." He is stunned by my audacity, like the lion regarding the mouse that roared.

Then he gets this weird look on his face, like he is mulling over what a bad idea it would be to get in a fight over this kind of thing at a Harrisonburg bar so publicly. Then he says "Fuck you. This place sucks. I am OUTTA HERE!" like it was his idea, like I had pissed in his margarita or something. I hollered at his back "Good! Get the fuck out, that's all I asked!" to the applause of the few patrons at the bar. I ended up going home with the pretty brunette he had been harassing, having played her Knight-in-shining flannel.
The weird thing is, he goes on to swim in the Olympics, spends his 2008 pre-Olympic training living with Mark Spitz and getting counseled on how to conduct yourself in Beijing, craft the perfect media-friendly role-model image... to think this guy could have just as easily become the next Greg Lougainis without the wise council of the Spitzmiral.

The more medals Michael gets, and the longer he goes on as an Olypmic role model, the less likely people are to believe this, but I was there, and I had plenty of witnesses. Yes, it was a long time ago and people change, but that night that fucker was way out of line.

/Athlete Run-Ins throwback/

/half-hour left in the work-day, coastin' like Bolt to the finish line "

Lovely Michael. God Bless America Everyone... (More to come...)

2008 Beijing Olympics: Wish We All Could Be California Girls

California natives Mist May Treanor and Kerri Walsh are STILL undefeated in Olympic play for another 4 years. The 2004 Athens Gold Medalists clinched gold again last night, the first team in the history of Olympic beach volleyball to repeat as champions. May-Treanor and Walsh defeated a tough Chinese team, the ONLY team that they have lost to in international competition in the past year.

"Misty May-Treanor, Kerri Walsh win another Olympic gold medal" [Canadian Press]

These two proved that rise to the Olympic challenge, and have not lost even a set in their history together playing in Olympic competition. Last night was no exception, the pair won in straight sets 21-18, 21-18.
A pair of golds for some golden girls.

"Reign continues for Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh" [LA Times- Bill Plaschke]

Charles Barkley will drink you under the table, then show you his colon?

I posted last week that Charles Barkley is really looking to strech himself as celebrity, sports analyst, and all around asshole of a human being. Well we have new news of how he is progressing. Charles may have found a talent worthy of note on his resume, a skill that would be pertinent to any job that involves drinking copious amounts of tequila. So, every profession then?

Larry Brown sports has the video, all I can say is arribah arribah!

Charles will also be appearing back on a television near YOU! ( blood alcohol level yet to be determined) More of Charles than we have ever seen before, and perhaps more than we EVER want to see:

"GET READY to look deep inside Charles Barkley. The former Sixers superstar has been asked to undergo a televised colonoscopy as part of the 'Stand Up to Cancer' special being aired Sept. 5 by NBC, CBS and ABC."

Charles is flying to Alabama to get ready for the in-depth special. Great PR campaign for a great cause, but I'm not sure how much of Charles's rectum and colon I am prepared to see while eating me TV dinner? if any....

Late Night: Olympic efforts in Progress

Laura Wilkinson 10meter platform semi-finals. Having been a diver, I am enthralled with the diving event. Wilkinson, the 2000 Olympic gold medalist in Sydney, and most recently the 2008 World Champion; intends to retire after her performance in Beijing. Currently hovering in 8th place, she will move onto the finals with the most experience and poise to overtake the 15 and 16 year old Chinese child prodigies. China has dominated the gold podium in all diving events thusfar.

Misty May Treanor and Kerri Walsh are currently facing of against the Chinese in the gold medal finals. These two have not lost a match in over a year, that loss? against this same Chinese team. Treanor and Walsh since playing together have never lost a set or a match in Olympic Competition.

And my own endeavors of Olympic proportions. Look out for Tomorrow!

PhelpsFest 2008 : Obligatory Phelps post with a 180 degree twist. Heartfelt, positive stories about Mr. 8 time gold have been exhausted. Now the dirt is coming up, and there seems to be a lot of it. Multiple tales that Phelps has used physical intimidation ( a nicer word for date rape, don't ya think?) in his interacting with the ladies.....other tales and pictures indicating douchebag behavior.

And Charles Barkley will challenge you to a Patron off, then show you his colon.

Blogorama:Olympic Hotties and Notties

Hotties:
USA Men's Basketball: so far so good 'Redeem Team'.

Alicia Sacramone obviously. Even female gymnasts looking for a piece.

Usain Bolt. literally hot. Like, set the freakin track and clock on fire, hot.

Like Alicia Sacramone, Leryn Franco shows us you can still finish last in the Olympics and end up on top.

Notties:

Michael Phelps? wait...what? So says U. Michigan co-eds............ And Amanda Beard. I believe the term used to describe Mr. Michael was douchebag.

High Profile Olympians. So Again, Michael Phelps.

NBC. Because obviously no one thought about planning the coverage in the 'life after Phelps' week.

MSNBC. Tiki Barber can't help but insulting the IOC and country of China. He just can't help himself.

Sports Bloggers who just can't stop talking about the Olympics. They couldn't be talking about ME?????

Phelps Who? Sorry about the memory loss, it seems as though I’ve been struck by a Bolt of lightning

Preface that this in no way takes away or diminished a most impressive performance by Michael Phelps. However, the story of Olympic greatness and athletic history to come out of these games should be today’s performance by Usain Bolt.

My case for Usain:

What the Jamaican lightning Bolt did today was transcend the greats of history. He demolished records and performances made by Olympic legends Jesse Owens and Carl Lewis, in their OWN sport. These men are the ones we have been comparing Phelps to- and Usain destroyed them. No fancy NASA created highly technological swim suit required.

Within the international competition (Like Phelps,) Bolt won by leads unseen in anyone’s recent memory. Bolt did this in a race that only lasted averages of 10 and 20 seconds. Phelps fastest event in which he individually competed in, the 100 meter butterfly came down to a fingertip touch photo finish; not exactly the dominant way in which Usain won both his sprint races. Phelps’s ability to even medal in the sprint swim events, the 50 and 100 meter freestyle, is hotly contested. Usain Bolt’s dominating performance this afternoon in the 200M leads no one to question that should he have entered the 400M, he would take gold without contest. For the Phelps Phanatics out there: When Michael swims any event in international competition and establishes a 2 body length lead on the field in the first 19 seconds, call me.

In another point about the ability to achieve greatness when comparing these two athletes; much ado has been made about how Michael Phelps’s body biologically and physiologically lends itself to swimming more so than the average human. Usain Bolt’s physique on the rather, is something look at as a problem, something Bolt has had to overcome to achieve such greatness. 6’5” does not lend itself to sprint.
And most of all, what Bolt as accomplished in his sport is most easily transferable and translatable to almost every other sport; and is why he should be placed ahead of Phelps in the debate as to who is the ‘better athlete’ and ‘greatest in sport’. With that statement we are assuming there are such titles that can be achieved by consensus, which I am uncertain that it is even possible. Usain Bolt could easily be able to sign with any NFL Franchise as a wide receiver, he could entertain going onto the MLB to become the best pinch base runner in its history. Michael Phelps could not beat Lebron James in 1 on 1, nor could James beat him in a 25 meter pool race of ANYTHING. See where I’m going with this?

The argument for Phelps is difficult because it can only be held within the bubble of his own sport and the Olympic Games themselves. By all other accounts (i.e. his double jointed knees and ankles keep him from doing heavy cardio training on land) his athletic prowess is limited in the transferability needed to convince those he is a greater athlete than those who play sports on land. Bolts talent and achievements could be endless in the arena of athletics, and transfer and transcend so easily when making such comparisons to other elite athletes in the ‘greatest ever’ debates.

Why will Phelps be remembered as the darling of these games, though Bolt’s achievements (in my opinion) rank greater? Phelps is an American. Cue the f**k Yeah America and U-S-A chants. While patriotism is great and noble; it will cloud any un-biased debate, or truly thoughtful entertainment of the case for Usain as the best ever.

Again in conclusion, Michael Phelps is great, I love me some Phelps. By no means is what Phelps has accomplished anything EXCEPT miraculous. But don’t call me un American, just an admirer of athletics when I look back at the 2008 Beijing Games and think of Usain “Lightning” Bolt as my hero.

And I am not alone, I would never lie to you.

"Superman is alive and runs in Jamaica: Usain Bolt, supernatural lighting bolt from the Gods" [Steroid Nation]

"Forget Michael Phelps, Usain Bolt is the most impressive Olympian EVER" [Matty O'Shea]

"Usain Bolt vs. Michael Phelps" [Nick Meyer]

"Usain Bolt is from another planet" [We are the Postmen]

"Might as Well Ask: Usain Bolt > Michael Phelps?" [The Big Lead]

"Michael Phelps or Usain Bolt—Who's the Man of the Olympics?" [The Bleacher Report]

"Why Usain Bolt is greater than Michael Phelps" [The Times]

"Game On: Iron Ref Round 7 - World Class" [HHR]

Tiger Woods and Usain Bolt = Un freakin Believeable!!! Your Move, Phelps.

Phelps has been proclaimed 'greatest in sport' for less than a week and alreay there have been 2 feats of miraculousness achieved by male athletes that could easily challenge Michaels accomplishments as the greatest athletic achievement ever.

1. Tiger Woods would like Michael Phelps to know that HE is Jesus. Last year an EA fanatic discovered in playing his Tiger Woods video game that you could create a shot where Tiger sinks a putt while walking on water; and posted it on Youtube deeming it "the Jesus Shot". Tiger not one to disappoint or fear a challenge, actually hit a shot while on top of water taping a commercial in honor of the fan's video game Tiger shot. Jesus, ( no pun intended) That's awesome!

"Video: Tiger Woods Walks On Water" [You Been Blinded]

"Tiger Woods Creates A Commerical From A Fan's Youtube Video" [Awful Announcing]

2. Usain Bolt just made a campaign case for outshining Michael Phelps in this summer Olympic Games. It didn't' take him a week, just under 30 seconds. Bolt JUST became the first man in history to set the world record in both the 100 and 200 meters in a single meet, and third man in history behind some no names , Jesse Owens and Carl Lewis, to win gold in both at a single Olympics. Bolt, like a swimming counterpart, destroyed the competition and practically walked to the finish line showboating clocking in at 19.30 in the 200M today.

I would like to thank Mr. Bolt personally for the celebratory display most accurate in correlation with the feat accomplished. I don't mind some flamboyant displays if its warranted, and Usain just freaking blew my mind with what he just accomplished.

"Usain Bolt Is The Fastest Man Alive. Your Move, Lindsay Lohan" [Deadspin]

"INTERNET 1, NBC 0" [With Leather]

"Like lightning, Bolt sets record in Olympic 200m" [AP]

"Usain Bolt is not human" [The Sporting Blog]

You haven't been updated as to everything Michael Phelps has been doing in the past 24hrs? Fear Not.

Okay, the Michael Phelps coverage in the past 24 hours can be summarized into 2 words; money, and women. Wow, what a life this kid leads now, even as a woman I am jealous.

Obviously since Michael Phelps is now a B list celebrity, joining the ranks with other high profile athletes ( not talking about the ones who take their clothes off for playboy- the ones who accomplish things to earn their status) we clearly NEED to know all about the sex life of Mr. Phelps.

Sorry Michael, if you want to be a celeb, your going to have to tell us where and who your dumping your little swimmers inside; that's just how it is.

After receiving a text msg ( that read 'you were f***ing amazing' ) from Lindsay Lohan ( Sam Ronson is now apparently working on her breaststroke, I hear) speculations linking our flavor of the month to fellow US swimmer and frequent nude picture taker Amanda Beard, as well as British model Lily Donaldson emerged. On Good Morning America Phelps went on record and dismissed the rumors of an affair with Donaldson ( Although she looked lovely, I kinda wish he hadn't denied it), but in a slap to the face for Phelps; Amanda Beard came out to deny her association with Michael and humiliate the kid in the process:

"Eww, that's nasty."" "Come on, I have really good taste. He's really not my type."

Amanda there is no need to say this, you know you and every woman in the free world, and China, would sleep with Phelps at the moment given the opportunity. I would not say that winning 8 gold medals, and now making 50 mil in endorsements is necessarily.. 'nasty' in any way; I don't care HOW crooked his teeth are. Plus, you are airbrushed beyond recognition in all of your naked exploits, you'd be lucky to bag someone like that; you also previously dated a NASCAR driver...classy. Not to mention, it's inappropriate and un ladylike to talk like that.

"After Beijing, Phelps to do Lily Donaldson or Amanda Beard?" [SportsCracklePop]

Speaking of Michael Phelps and tons of cash, there are equal amounts of speculation in regard to just HOW MANY millions Phelps will earn this year. He has already signed on with Frosted Flakes, and offers continue to roll in.

"I Think Everyone Should Calm Down About Phelps' Endorsement Value" [Fan IQ]

Phelps also solidified his place in history with the unveiling of his SI cover shot, a salute to Mark Spitz's shot after his previously historic run. Odds Spitz is burning a million copies of the magazine in his back yard? good. "Exclusive Michael Phelps nip slip cover" [The Sporting Blog]

Finally, here are some fabulous links on Michael and things written about him should you feel as though you are starting to experience some withdrawal symptoms.

"Introducing The Smart Look For Back To School" [Deadspin]

"Jemele Hill Is Not the Michael Phelps of Columnists" [Good Guy At Sports]

" A Michael Phelps Haiku" [Sportable]

"Michael Phelps Will Bang The Gold Out Of You" [Holy Taco]

"Brog: China Knows Who Real Star Of Oly Games Is" [SportsbyBrooks]

Blogorama: Olympic Headlines You May or May Not have Seen

Opening Ceremonies participants forced to pee themselves. Communists, unbelievable. [Lion in Oil]

A tribute to US track and field's Lolo Jones [ The Slaunch Report]

Spanish speaking countries = racist [Deuce of Davenport]

Usain Bolt is the man [The Sporting Blog]

All Olympic Sports to be played in bikinis? I'll pass on watching shot put then, thanks. [Sports Hernia]

The Media doesn't understand why Alicia Sacramone is popular because she failed, Failed, FAILED, in this Olympic Games. A shot in the dark here, but she's a gymnast, who's of age, who's body shows signs of secondary reproductive features.....hmmm no I don't know why men would find her so popular. [SportsByBrooks]

Little Shawn Johnson finally gets a gold medal. [Girls Dig Sports]

NBC Olympic Coverage: No Phelps = Big Problems [Intentional Foul]

What terrorist may think about the Olympics [Gawker]